Oct. 23, 2001, 10:32 EDT

Transcript of Ralph Hadley's taped will

Transcript of a tape recording made by Ralph Hadley and left in a satchel outside the home of his estranged wife Gillian, before he murdered her and then killed himself on June 20, 2000:

This is the last will and testament of Ralph Hadley.

I don't know how things got so out of control, all I know is that in order to save my son...I have to do this.

I guess it all started when they took Michael to Sick Kids Hospital in February. After the scan department and the CAS had finished their investigation, they came to the conclusion that I'd done something to Michael.

Anybody who knows me knows that I could never harm a child. I can't deal...with people thinking that I could do something so horrible.

Several months after the investigation started, I was charged. They took me into the interrogation room, hooked me up to a polygraph, told me that I failed and then tried to break me down and admit to something that I hadn't done.

After I found out from the detective after the polygraph that the results were inconclusive, all I could think of was...Jill can't handle this. There's no way that she's going to be able to go through that kind of emotional strain after Michael being taken away from us.

So with a little coercion I suppose from Mike...the police filed criminal charges against me and with the help of Graham Wakefield, I was able to achieve a peace bond which was, I guess totally unacceptable to Jill because she knew that I was innocent and wanted to see the people that were responsible for the allegations...wanted to hear what they would have to say when put on the stand.

I found out later when I caught Jill in bed with Clark, Clark admitted to me that the affair that he was having with my wife had been going on since before December 15th when I had to decide whether or not I was going to take the peace bond.

All that I can surmise from this is that Jill had no intention of staying with me regardless of whether I did what she wanted or not, and I had ready decided that she wanted Michael back and that I was expendable.

I now know that Jill doesn't love Michael as much as she said that she did because if she loves him as much as she says, then why hasn't she gotten him back or tried to get him back yet. I left beginning of January, it's now almost the end of June, Michael isn't back in the home.

What's the delay? I've been gone for almost six months. If she really wanted him back that badly and if they were really convinced that I had done something to Michael and satisfied that Jill was a good mother, then why isn't he back in the home?

Jill has put her needs ahead of those of her children and that's something that's totally unacceptable. She always told me that the needs of the children come first.

I've heard through friends and relatives that every weekend Jill tries to ship Faith off somewhere...obviously spending time with her kids isn't that important to her as she's also been giving us Chase almost every weekend.

Providing for and spending time with her kids was always the most important thing to Jill. Obviously now that Clark's around, that's more important. I guess she feels that her needs are more important than anybody else's. So not only has she sacrificed me, she's also sacrificed her children.

I guess this whole mess really came to a head December 29th '99. I had been at work and was informed that Jill was going to visit Michael in the hospital as he was quite sick and had to be cared for at Sick Kids.

When I got off work, I couldn't remember whether I was supposed to go home or whether I was supposed to go the hospital and pick up Jill. I drove to the hospital but because of the terms and conditions placed upon me, I realized that I couldn't go up and see if she was there as I'm not allowed as I wasn't allowed in Michael's room. So I drove home.

When I got home there was a very pleasant message from Jill stating that she had decided to stay at Sick Kids with Michael overnight to be with him. So I went to bed.

When I woke up the next morning I phoned Sick Kids Hospital and was informed that not only hadn't Jill been there with Michael that night, she had never gone to the hospital at all on the 29th. It was then that I knew that something was going on.

At first I jumped to the conclusion that because Jill had returned a Christmas present that I had gotten her from the kids, and had a large amount of money on her, that maybe someone had found out that she had this money. Maybe tried to mug her, maybe she was hurt, maybe someone had stopped her, I didn't know. I was a total wreck worrying about her.

Just before I phoned the police though, Jill phoned. I asked her where she'd been, told her that I knew that she wasn't at the hospital and that's when all the lies started.

At first she told me that she had stayed at a hotel because she had things to figure out in her mind and that she needed time.

I accepted this but then after running a few errands that day, I asked her I had to know, what hotel was she at? She proceeded to tell me that there was no way that I was going to find out what hotel that she had been at because not only wasn't she going to tell me, but she'd also gone there under an assumed name.

I knew this to be a lie because when you check into a hotel, you have to have identification, otherwise they won't give you a room. So I kept pressuring her, asking her where she'd been, who she'd been with. I asked her if she had an affair.

She told me that she didn't have an affair that she wasn't going to tell me where she'd gone or who she was with, I kept pressuring her, finally she told me that she didn't want to get them involved but she'd been with Gab and Bob.

About three days later Gab phoned, wanted to know how Michael had been, so I knew that she had lied about that because if she'd been with Gab, Jill would have told her where Michael was and how he was.

When I told Jill that Gab had phoned and that I know that she was lying, she then proceeded to tell me that she had been Carol's house.

I didn't believe her, I knew that she was lying so I went over to Carol's parents' house and without letting them know what was going on, I told them that Jill had left her sweater there. They told me that they hadn't seen or talked to Jill in a few months and that to the best of their knowledge Jill hadn't been there.

So I went home...told Jill that I knew that she wasn't there.

She said, Jill insisted that she'd gotten to Carol's house very late and that her parents weren't up and that if that if she didn't believe me just ask Carol, so I did.

Carol then told me that she had indeed been with her. Everybody was lying to me.

I let things slide because I didn't honestly believe that Jill was having an affair. I didn't know where she was or what she had done for the 24 hours that she'd been gone...but I thought whatever it was she would tell me in time.

January 7th turned out to be the worst day of my life.

I got up early because I heard Jill coming home from work. I walked out of the bedroom, said hello to her...she was all smiles and laughter. She was in a really good mood. She told me she had decided to go out with Kim for breakfast.

I told her this was fine and asked her what time she'd be home.

She told me that after she had finished breakfast she was going to go over to Mike's house with Michael's Christmas presents and spend some time with him and that she'd be home probably around noon or shortly after to wake me up to get ready for work. She gave me a big kiss and a hug and told me how much she loved me and then left.

Lisa and Brian had been driving Jill back and forth from work for the past couple of months, so after Jill had left they stuck around for about five minutes and then said they had to leave.

I decided that it would be best if I went back to bed so that when Jill came home to wake me up I could spend few hours with her as the baby was over at my sister's house.

The next thing I remember is being woken up by Lisa and Brian, I guess I had left the door open and Lisa was at the foot of the bed crying.

Brian was nudging me....as I shook the cobwebs from my head and got up, he proceeded to tell me that after Kim and Jill had had breakfast at the Sunset Grill, Kim had driven Jill over to Clark's house.

I couldn't believe what was happening. My wife was having an affair.

I thought the only thing I could do was confront her, maybe somehow get her to stop so that we could work things out and save our marriage.

As I followed Brian over to Clark's house, I didn't know what I was going to do. I didn't know what I was going to find. All I knew was that I had to do something.

So once we got to the street, Lisa and Brian told me what number house he lived at and what to look for.

His truck was in the driveway, I pulled into the driveway, I got out of my car walked up to the door, knocked and there was no answer. I then proceeded to try the door, it was open. I walked in.

Clarke's dog was in the kitchen, didn't seem to be anybody home. I looked around a little, went up to the bedrooms, there didn't appear to be anybody there. So I thought maybe they had gone somewhere because I didn't think that they were there.

It was then that I heard Jill's voice down in the basement.

As I walked down the basement stairs, I knew what I was going to find. I had been with Jill long enough to know when she was in the thrills of ecstasy.

As I got to the bottom of the basement stairs, I saw the bedroom door was open, I walked over to the bedroom door and there was Clark on top of Jill.

I think it was then I probably went into shock. I don't remember exactly what I said. All I remember is Clark turning around, while he was still on wife and asking me who the fuck I was.

I said I'm her husband.

He jumped off the bed so quick that if he had been trying to attack me I wouldn't have been able to have time to react. Clark looked at Jill and said, you're married? He kept asking her over and over again. I think he was in shock too. I don't think he had any idea what was going on.

I found out later that Clark had met Jill in a bar in the middle of November and that her and Lisa had decided to play a little game. They took off their wedding rings, picked up a couple of guys and for all I know probably had sex with them.

To the best of my knowledge Jill has never done anything like this before.

That's when I knew, that's when I was certain that she'd probably had a nervous breakdown. She wasn't Jill anymore, she was somebody else.

Since that day, Jill has clearly shown that her feelings and needs are more important than anybody else's and raising a child that is so important to place their welfare ahead of your own. They need you to be there to nurture their little minds so that they can grow to be strong, the world is an unforgiving place and unless they have a strong enough will, it will crush them.

Jill has proven over time that her needs come first, she uses people till they have nothing else to give and then discards them as casually as you would a gum wrapper. This is not the type of person that should raise children.

I can't no matter how hard I try forget or forgive what I have seen her do to the people around her. So unless you have lived with her, you can't even imagine what she's really like.

I turned a blind eye to it as long as I could but after Chase was born I started to question what she was doing and how she was living her life.

I have to protect Chase from evil and the only way that I know is to be sure in my heart that he will be with a loving caring family. My mother and father are the finest people I will ever know and I am sure that with their help my sister Heather and her future husband Ray, will do an exceptional job of raising my son to be the kind of man that people can respect, look up to and be proud of.

I love him so much that the thought of someone as to void of morals, compassion and love as Jill, is more than my mind or my heart can stand. That is why I have to do what must be done to safeguard his future is my only concern...to protect him from what I perceive as a fate worse than death.

I must leave behind what years I have left to preserve what I know will be his future.

I just want my mother and father to know that I love them very much and I realize that they've been through a lot and sacrificed a lot to help me. But I have to do what must be done for the sake of my son.

I also want my sister to know that I love her very much although I bug sometimes about things, I want her to know that right along side of my mom, she's the finest woman and mother I've ever known.

I believe that her choice in picking Ray as her husband was the best decision that she's ever made. And I'm asking him not to judge my family by my actions and to find it in his heart to provide my son with the same love and understanding that he has given my sister and nephew.

I want my mother and my father to know that although I didn't always think so, I know now that they've always been my best friends. I beg them to try and forgive me for what I have done and embrace my little boy into their hearts despite what his mother and father have done.

I've spent I've got nothing left to give. I don't trust anybody but my family, I'm trying to distinguish between reality and fantasy is getting harder as each day passes. I know I won't be any help to my family soon. And while I'm still able I must save my son from the darkness within Jill.

The fact that I must resort to such drastic measures sickens me more than anyone will ever know, but I must do what I feel in my heart to be the right thing.

Someone once said, a man is more than the worst thing he has ever done and I pray that my family will remember that, during the rest of my life I always tried to live up to what was expected of me. I hope they can understand in time that I really didn't have a choice.

The law would not provide me with enough time with Chase to counteract Jill's influence and if I am to save his soul, this is the only way. The threat must be eliminated.

The darkness of death will soon consume me but my soul will rejoice within the body my son and I will live in the light of his love for the rest of eternity.

I'm going to try and end this as quietly as I can but I know something is going to go wrong, it always does.

However if I am successful I just want my family to know that I'd like to be cremated and I'd like my ashes if it's possible to be mingled with Jill's and spread over Lake Kashawigamoc where we spent our honeymoon and I'm sure one of the happiest days of our lives.

If it's at all possible I don't want Chase to be told what I've done until he's old enough to understand. If you still have this tape let him listen to it.

He may be, just may be he'll forgive me.

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