F.A.C.T.Information: Judge Jokes
More great information is available through F.A.C.T. See our home page at www.fact.on.ca
With the massive amount of damage done by the judiciary to the youth of this country, it is difficult to many ways to react except with anger at the pain they bring your children. However, if you step back, you will see why many Canadians have come to to hold in such low regard the family court judges, and those on the Divisional COurt, the Court of Appeal, and the Supreme Court. The judges have transformed the judiciary into a three ring circus and they are the clowns.
In keeping with their gallant efforts, we are pleased to provide you with a few judge jokes -- feel free to add to the collection (please note, keep the jokes so that your/my kids can read them too) by sending them to email@example.com.
We were tempted to dedicate this section to the judges of the Ontario Court of Appeal who have ruled that judges are never to be subject to "retribution" (which means what they deserve...look it up). However, since they didn't publish their judgement, we won't publish ours.
A father fresh from another irrational court ruling comes into a bar. Angrily he shouts "I think all family court judges are assholes!!"
A slurred response from the back of the bar is heard: "I resent that!"
The father peers into the back and asks "Why, are you a family court judge?"
"No," the voice slurs, "I'm an asshole."
Good news for all those heading off to court. You cannot catch SARS (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome) from a family court judge.
Apparently SARS requires a human host to infect you.
What's the difference between God and a family court judge?
God does not think he is a family court judge.
How many Supreme Court judges does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, she holds the bulb still and the world revolves around her.
How many family law judges does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but two lawyers have to explain how to do it.
Family Law Judge to Mother: Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?
Mother: I do.
Judge: Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?
Mother: Sure. I get everything I want.
Family Law Judge to Father: Do you have anything to offer this court before I issue my judgement?
Father: No your honour, my lawyer took it all.
A family law judge wandered by mistake into a criminal court one morning. He immediately gave custody of the kid to the first women he saw and then headed back to his chambers.
In the meantime, back at the court, the Crown Attorney is trying to figure out what to do now that she had custody of Melbo the bank robbing midget.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 40?
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven (obviously not a family law lawyer), but was not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to Saint Peter, who told him his only course of action was to appeal. The lawyer immediately appealed and was told it would take 3 years to hear his appeal. The attorney protested that this was unconscionable, but to no avail.
The lawyer was then approached by the devil who told him that he could have the appeal heard within a few days if the lawyer would change the venue to Hell. When the lawyer asked why appeals were heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told "We have all the judges."
Two duck hungers ran into one another early one morning. One of them noticed that the other's dog was just sitting there, who no interest in retrieving any of the fowl his master downed.
The first hunter asked, "What's wrong with your dog? The last time I saw him he was one of the best bird dogs I'd ever seen!"
"Well," the other hunter replied. "His name's Lawyer. He used to run all over creation working hard and getting the job done. The one day, someone made the mistake of calling him Judge. Now all he does is sit on his ass and bark."
"All in all, I'd rather have been a judge than a miner. And what's more, being a miner, as soon as you are too old and tired and sick and stupid to do the job properly, you have to go. Well, the very opposite applies with judges."
-- Peter Cook
The Generous Family Law Judge
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very generous and fair of you, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
An family law attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
Replied the governor "Well, its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker."
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Franciscoís Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but Iíll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time heís walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the waterís edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so youíve come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze judge.
Father (after being denied access to his children and having all his assets seized): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Father: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and sentence you to five days in jail.
Father: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Father: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom. He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting on the table, picks it up and exits through the back door of the courtroom into the judge's chambers. And who should be sitting there - the judge.
Judge: "Hey kid, are you familiar with the liquor store across the street from the courthouse?"
Judge: "Good, I want you to go across the street and steal me a bottle of booze." The kid runs across the street, enters the liquor store, and when the proprietor is not looking, slips a fifth into the briefcase and brings it back to the judge. The judge immediately opens the bottle and swigs half of it.
Judge: "Hey kid, I need you to run another errand. There's a contractor, Slapdash Construction, next to the liquor store. Go to them and tell them that the judge sent you. They'll give you a brown paper bag. Bring it back to me."
The kid runs to Slapdash Construction, tells them that the judge sent him, receives a brown paper bag filled with fifties and hundreds, puts it into the briefcase and takes it to the judge.
Judge: "Kid, you did great. Now unzip my fly."
Kid: "Hey wait a minute mister. I'm not a real attorney; I just found this briefcase in the courtroom."
After his death, the family court judge found herself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all the clocks, the judge turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?"
"They turn at the rate at which the members of that occupation collectively sin on earth," replied the devil.
"What's your second question?"
"Well," said the judge. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the 'family court judges' clock?"
The devil momentarily looked confused, and he started checking the clocks. "They should all be here," he muttered, looking frantically, "It has to be here somewhere... Oh, there will be Hell to pay for this."
Suddenly, the devil relaxed, slapped himself on the forehead, and exclaimed, "Oh, yes! How silly of me. We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan."
A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.
Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.
"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.
"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'
After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.
Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself."
"I am," whispered Pete. "I am a leading family court judge back home. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."
A second grade teacher asked her students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful," the teacher said, "and how about you, Annie?"
Annie shyly stood up, shuffled her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Annie. What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher, stunned, promptly changed the subject to spelling. Later that day she called Billy's house. Billy's father answered the phone. The teacher explained what his son had said, and asked why he would say such a horrible thing.
Billy's father explained, "I'm actually a family court judge. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
A physician, an engineer and a judge were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. The surgeon announced, "Remember how God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve? Obviously, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But before that, God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, in less than a week. You have to admit that was a remarkable feat of engineering, and that makes engineering an older profession than medicine."
The judge smirked, and said, "Who do you think created the chaos?"
The morning after a senior judge passed away unexpectedly, the court house receptionist answered the phone. "Is Madame Justice Smith there?" the caller asked. "I'm very sorry, but Justice Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Madam Justice Smith there?" repeated the caller.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Justice Smith passed away last night."
"Is Madam Justice Smith there?" asked the caller again.
"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Justice Smith is dead."
"I understand you perfectly," the caller sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
Merry Christmas from the Supreme Court Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).
What happens when you cross a pig with a family court judge?
Nothing. There are some things a pig just wonít do.
Whatís the difference between a dead skunk and a dead family court judge in the road?
Vultures will eat the skunk.
Youíre trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a family law judge. Your gun has only two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the judge. Twice.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of the Court of Appeal judges on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Your family court judge and your ex-mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You have time to save only one of them. Do you have lunch or go to a movie?
A family court judge and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.
"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.
The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the family court judge to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood.... the pig and the cow.
A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the National Judicial Institute was holding its social awareness training program. More than 500 judges were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one judge every hour.
What is the difference between a family law lawyer and an onion?
People cry when they chop up onions.
A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot.
Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other."
"Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"
Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Your honor.